10 posts tagged “dogs”

What is a Cat?

1) Cats do what they want.
2) They rarely listen to you.
3) They're totally unpredictable.
4) They whine when they are not happy.
5) When you want to play, they want to be alone.
6) When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7) They expect you to cater to their every whim.
8) They're moody.
9) They leave hair everywhere.
10) They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg.

Conclusion: They're tiny little women in fur coats.

What is a Dog?

1. Dogs lie around all day, sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house
2. They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't hear you when you're in the same room.
3. They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.
4. They growl when they are not happy.
5. When you want to play, they want to play.
6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7. They are great at begging.
8. They will love you forever if you rub their tummies.
9. They leave their toys everywhere.
10.They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss.

Conclusion: They're little men in fur coats......

TO: GOD:
FROM:  THE DOG

Dear God:

Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another?

When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch?  Or is it still the same old story? 

Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a dog?  How often do you see a cougar riding around?  We do love a nice ride!  Would it be so hard to rename the Chrysler Eagle" the "Chrysler Beagle"?

If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?

We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent ID's, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths.  What do humans understand?

Are there mailmen in Heaven and will I have to apologize?

Let me give you a list of just some of the things I must remember to be a good dog.

I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it or after they throw it up.
I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell.
The Litter Box is not a cookie jar.
The sofa is not a face towel
The dustbin man is not stealing our stuff.
I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet
Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is an unacceptable way of saying hello.
I don't need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm under the coffee table.
I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house - not after.
I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt.
I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch.

P.S. Dear God: When I get to Heaven may I have my testicles back?

Doggie porn

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Bryon, he of the dog labia, has a delicate stomach.  No Chicken, Kay was told, it upsets his tummy.

So - no chicken.  But he had been having dry chicken biscuits with no trouble.

So Kay decided to try him on chicken and rice.  Chicken breast and rice, cooked by Kay so she knows exactly what is in it.

Yum, went Byron.  More please.

Not today.  Let's see how it goes first.

A while later, Kay is clearing up the kitchen.  She can hear Byron walking about, hear his claws clicking on the vinyl.  Then - sniff, sniff - what's that smell.

Goes into living room. 

Chicken certainly does upset Byron's tummy.  He has soiled himself.  Liquid poop.  With splatters.  Fortunately, and somewhat miraculously, he was in the centre of the room and even more miraculously, the only thing (apart from the flood) to catch any of this shit torrent was a dog blanket.  Byron's dog blanket at that.

Took Kay quite a long time to clean that up.  All the time vowing - No more chicken.  Never. Ever. Again.

Except poor Byron will never make a porn star with an empy bollock sack.  He was very relaxed when Kay took this picture for me.

Doggie porn

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Videod (vidded? videod looks odd in a way videos doesn't.  which is odd in itself!) - anyway, shot this last night and am going to try an upload from my computer.  Hope it works. 

 EDIT - I have watched it now, and Vox appears to have trimmed the edges.  Is this a size thing, does anybody know, and what is some good video editing software ((for dummies) that I can use

Oscar & Mitchell

This is how it works with a flash!

When I get my own dog (coming shortly and will be walking woofing proof of Husband's love) I will probably have so many vids and pics.  I promise not to post them all.

Feeling a bit fragile this morning.  Fairly usual for a Friday - Thursday night is Girls Night Out - used to be more of us, now it is just Me,  Best Friend and BFK.  We tend to drive over to BFK's house, as she lives a 40 min drive from me and Best Friend.  Used to be a 5 minute walk but she moved, damn her!

Drank and smoked more than was sensible, but that's the usual thing for us me.  I am mostly pissed cos I forgot to take my camera, so missed making a video of Mitchell chasing his tail - very cute.

BFK has four dogs at the moment - RioBear, Trevor and Byron belong to her, and she is a Hearing Dog Socialiser, so she often has one of their pups.  At the moment, she is socialising Mitchell.  Hearing Dogs for the Deaf are like Guide Dogs for the Blind - they are trained to be an aid to their owner, to let them know about the things they cannot hear - the phone is ringing, there is someone at the door, the potatoes are boiling over, the bath is full - I hadn't thought about how much hearing is for survival, not just for fun.

Here are two of her dogs asleep on the couch:

Dogs on Couch

That's Trever on the left, and Byron is the Dane on the right.  Middle Pup has gone now - she is called Wanda but was mostly called That Damn Pissy Dog!  She has gone into training now, so lets hope she learns to control her bladder a lot better!

 

Byron and Mitchell

New Pup is Mitchell - here he is with Byron:

Mitchell is very smooth coated, it is like stroking silk when you stroke him.  He's very well behaved for a nine-week old pup - only problem is he is still not quite house-trained but, unlike Wanda, he seems to mind when he widdles in the wrong places.

RioBear1

RioBear is big and fluffy - she was once bathed using some Anti Sad and Flat shampoo, and looked like she had been in a tumble drier.  

She hates thunderstorms and fireworks and hides away.  You have to pretend you can't see her backside hanging out - if her head is hidden, she feels safe

Byron the Beautiful

And here is Byron - when you get to know him you understand why Scooby Doo was modelled on a Great Dane.  He is adorable and, but for the fact he can slobber for England and rest his head on the kitchen worksurfaces, I would rehome him in an instant! 






Next week our Girls Night Out is gonna be a bit different - on a Wednesday for one thing, and Nurse wil lbe there as well, cos we are off to see Pink @ Wembley Arena - she does a good gig, does Pink - better than Madonna, not as good as Bjork.