44 posts tagged “emailed fun”

1. You haven't asked yet.
2. I was hoping to do something meaningful with my life.
3. What? And spoil my great sex life?
4. Nobody would believe me in white.
5. Because I just love hearing this question.
6. Just lucky, I guess.
7. It gives my mother something to live for.
8. My fiance is awaiting his parole.
9. I'm still hoping for a shot at Miss America.
10. I'm waiting until I get to be your age.
11. I already have enough laundry to do, thank you.
12. Because I think it would take all the spontaneity out of dating.
13. They just opened a great new singles bar on my block.
14. I guess it just goes to prove that you can't trust those voodoo rituals.
15. What? And lose all the money I have invested in running personal ads ?
16. We really want to, but my lover's spouse just won't go for it.
17. I don't want to have to support another person on my paycheck.
18. Why aren't you thin?
19. I'm married to my career, although recently we have been in a trial separation.
20. (Bonus reply for single mothers) Because having a husband and a child would be redundant.

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table. A very attractive blonde woman from South Alabama arrived and bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.

She said, “I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I play topless.”

With that, she stripped to the waist; rolled the dice; and yelled, “Come on, baby….Southern Girl needs new clothes!”

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up-and-down….and squealed… “YES! YES! I WON! I WON!”

She hugged each of the dealers…and then picked up her many chips and her clothes, and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, “What did she roll?”

The other answered, “ I don’t know.. I thought you were watching.”

Moral -

Not all Southerners are stupid.
Not all blondes are dumb.
But all men…..are men.

Aaaarrrggghhh! The Smell is Killing Me!

1 comment

...fart in a wet suit!

A True Date story

We have all had bad dates...but this takes the cake. This just tells you how tough it is to be single nowadays.

This was on the "Tonight Show" with Jay Leno. Jay went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had.

The winner described her worst first date experience. There absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!

She said it was midwinter ... snowing and quite cold... and the guy had taken her skiing to Lake Arrowhead.  It was a day trip, no overnight, they were strangers after all, and truly had never met before.  The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon.

They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte.  They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere! Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while.  Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her pee beside the road or it would be the front seat of his car.

They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started. Unfortunately, in the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself. Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking.

All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation.  Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender.  Thoughts of tongues frozen to pump handles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal.  It was quickly apparent that she had a brand newproblem due to the extreme cold. Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor she answered her date's concerns about "What is taking so long?" with a reply that indeed, she was "freezing her butt off and in need of some assistance!"

He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing.  She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma.  Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem. Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal!

Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free. So, as she looked the other way, her first-time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender.

As for the Tonight Show, she took the prize hands down ... or perhaps that should be "pants down."   And you thought your first date was embarrassing.

Jay Leno's comment - - - - This gives a whole new meaning to being, "pissed off."

The following was developed as a mental age assessment by the School of Psychiatry at Harvard University . Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake. The average person over 40 years of age cannot do it!

1. This is this cat.
2. This is is cat.
3. This is how cat.
4. This is to cat.
5. This is keep cat.
6. This is an cat.
7. This is old cat.
8. This is fart cat.
9. This is busy cat.
10. This is for cat.
11. This is forty cat.
12. This is seconds cat.

Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down and I bet you will not be able to resist passing it on

A nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift.  Preparing to write a check, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it.

When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller and without missing a beat, she says: "Well, that's great....that's just great....some asshole's got my pen!"

In Lebanon , men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.
(Like THAT makes sense.) 

In Bahrain , a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.
(Do they look different reversed?) 

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.
(Much worse than "going blind!") 

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time.
Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.
(Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?) 

In Hong Kong , a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands.  The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.
(Ah! Justice!)

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool , England - but only in tropical fish stores.
(But of course!) 

In Santa Cruz , Bolivia , it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.
(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?) 

In Maryland , it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises."
(Is this a great country or what?  Well, not as great as Guam!) 

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Who volunteers for this stuff?)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(Is that why Flipper was always smiling?) 

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
(From drinking little bottles of??? Did the government pay for this research??) 

Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Ah, geez.) 

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.) 

Starfish don't have brains.
(I know some people like that, too.) 

And, the best for last?

Turtles can breathe through their butts.
(And I thought I had bad breath in the morning!)

Here's a guide to Work Activities and How Many Calories they each Consume:

Beating around the bush = 75
Jumping to conclusions = 100
Climbing the walls = 150
Swallowing your pride = 50
Passing the buck = 25
Throwing your weight around (depending on your weight) = 50-300
Dragging your heels = 100
Pushing your luck = 250
Making mountains out of molehills = 500
Hitting the nail on the head = .50
Wading through paperwork = 300
Bending over backwards = 75
Jumping on the bandwagon = 200
Balancing the books = 25
Running around in circles = 350
Eating crow = 225
Tooting your own horn = 25
Climbing the ladder of success = 750
Pulling out the stops = .75
Adding fuel to the fire = 160
Wrapping it up at the day's end = 2
Opening a can of worms = 50
Putting your foot in your mouth = 300
Starting the ball rolling = 90
Going over the edge = 25
Picking up the pieces after = 350
Counting eggs before they hatch = 6
Calling it quits = 2
Cleaning up after the Shit hits the Fan - = uncalculable

If you are a consultant, please be assured - I know you aren't this consultant here.

You Might Be a Consultant if...

you ask the waiter what the restaurant's core competencies are.
you decide to reorganise your family into a "team-based organisation."
you think that it's actually efficient to write a ten page paper with six other people you don't know.
you believe you never have any problems in your life, just "issues" and "improvement opportunities."
you explain to your bank manager that you prefer to think of yourself as "highly leveraged" as opposed to "in debt."
you can explain the difference between "down-sizing," "right-sizing," and "firing people's arses," and you actually believe your explanation.
you can spell "paradigm" and you actually know what a paradigm is.

Top Ten Things You'll Never Hear from your Consultant

You're right; we're billing way too much for this.
Bet you I can go a week without saying "synergy" or "value-added".
How about paying us based on the success of the project?
This whole strategy is based on a Harvard business case I read.
Actually, the only difference is that we charge more than they do.
I don't know enough to speak intelligently about that.
Implementation? I only care about writing long reports.
I can't take the credit. It was Ed in your marketing department.
The problem is, you have too much work for too few people.
Everything looks okay to me. You really don't need me.

Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Always take a good look at what you're about to eat. It's not so important to know what it is, but it's critical to know what it was.

Always drink upstream from the herd.

If you start thinking you're a person of some influence, try ordering somebody else's dog around.

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.

The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

Good judgement comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgement.

Don't worry about biting off more than you can chew. Your mouth is probably much bigger than you think.

"So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" so I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'"