18 posts tagged “fun”

Pick the month that you were born:
Jan. - I kicked
Feb. - I loved
Mar. - I smoked
Apr. - I licked
May - I choked on
Jun. - I murdered
Jul. - I did the macarena with
Aug. - I had lunch with
Sept. - I danced with
Oct. - I sang to
Nove. - I yelled at
Dec. - I ran over

Pick the day that you were born:
1 - a birdbath
2 - a monster
3 - a phone
4 - a fork
5 - A Dr. Pepper
6 - a gangster
7 - my cell phone
8 - my dog
9 - best friends' boyfriend
10 - my neighbor
11 - my science teacher
12 - Chuck Norris
13 - a fireman
14 - a stuffed animal
15 - a goat
16 - a pickle
17 - your mom
18 - a spoon
19 - myself
20 - a baseball bat
21 - a ninja
22 - a banana
23 - a noodle
24 - a squirrel
25 - a football player
26 - my sister
27 - my brother
28 - an iPod
29 - a permanent marker
30 - a llama
31 - a rocking chair

Pick the color of the shirt that you are wearing right now:
White: - because I'm cool like that
Black: -because I'm a ninja
Pink: : - because I'm NOT a llama
Red: : - because I'm awesome like that
Blue: : - because I'm hot and I do what I want
Green: : - because the voices in my head told me to
Purple: : - because I'm cool
Gray: : - because I ain't goin' down like that
Yellow: : - because someone offered me 1,000,000 dollars
Orange: : - because I love my pet rock
Brown:: - because I was on a roller coaster
Other: : - because that's how I roll
None: : - because I can't control myself

Now write it out for everyone to see

I ran over a llama, because I am cool like that.

How about you?

I have been clearing out my computer (I need more space!) and found this. I don't think I blogged it yet...

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
 

OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
 

SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.
A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need.
 

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
 

HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
 

LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
 

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
 

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
 

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

Thanks to Richard for pointing me at this.  Although I managed to enter my gender as Male.  Whoops!  Get yours here.

Good fun.  And quite accurate, except they do not appear to have Whiskey anywhere as an lifestyle choice!

Blame LIttleMissT.  She keeps sending me them!

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.  A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk.  Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

Man: "Hello"
Woman: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
Man: "Yes"
Woman: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only £800. Is it OK if I buy it?"
Man: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
Woman: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2007 models. I saw one I really liked."
Man: "How much?"
Woman: "£60,000"
Man: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
Woman: "Great! Oh, and one more thing ... The house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking £750,000"
Man: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of £700,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. It really is a pretty good price."
Woman: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!"
Man: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up.

The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape. He smiles and asks "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.       

"I should be in charge," said the brain, "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen." 

"I should be in charge," said the blood , "because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."      

"I should be in charge," said the stomach , "because I process food and give all of you energy."     

"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."   

"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes."   

"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."    

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.

The Moral of the story? The ass hole is usually in charge!    

If you don't send this to at least three people....who gives a sh*t?

I found in in a magazine.  For women.  Just saying - these are not always my views.  However, I gotta say - some of them are uncannily correct.

1. Our penchant for of-the-moment fashion items, like those big puffy skirts
2. Red underwear.  He may buy it for you, but it still scares him.
3. A new of new mothers, clucking, lactating and talking stitches…
4. Bras with chicken fillets in them - the worst, cruellest of deceptions.
5. Girls with over-protective, Mafiosi-like fathers, brothers, uncles, etc.
6. Women over the age of 30 who live on their own.  Or with cats.
7. Open affection for the Rampant Rabbit (so much for size not mattering)
8. Tampons, and all their terrifying associations.
9. Your defying his mother.  Don't try to do something he's never dared to do
10. The pure existence of support pants
11. A woman who says I love you on the second date
12. Your surprise present of a Hollywood bikini was (all off)
13. Women who move in packs
14. Our capacity to be smart arsed when he makes a computer error
15. Our ability sip wine
16. Women's spooky way of remembering things.  In minute details.
17. Hairy legs, hairy face, or hairy anything for that matter (number 12 notwithstanding)
18. Women's genuine belief (and insistence) that football is only a game
19. Being asked the question Does my bum look big in this?
20. Almost as bad - No, really, what do you really think of my friends?
21. Hearing you utter the words We need to talk
22. An ability to damn with faint praise
23. Waking up to find you watching him while he sleeps
24. Your capacity to keep up a bad mood for days - no, weeks
25. The phrase I cannot believe you need to ask why I am upset
26. Alcohol- induced psychosis
27. That dismissive look you give if he does something stupid
28. A woman who wants to talk feelings during the match
29. Anything even vaguely gynaecological
30. Crying for no obvious reason (should he hug you or leave you alone, and why does that change every time?)
31. Serious suggestions of outré sexual experimentation

Dear IT Support

18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from DrinkingMates 4.2, which I had used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.

To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9. Successive versions of GirlFriend proved no better.

I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks.

Eventually, I tried to run GirlFriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to my hardware.

I eventually upgraded to Fiance 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0.  While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSexPlus and Cleanhouse2005.

Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted.  They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them.

Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter, and can, without warning, launch Turbo-Strop and Multi-Whinge. These latter products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is.

Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring Shoe Shop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Audi TT Convertible hard drive, it often crashes.

Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called Mother-In-Law, which can't be turned off.

Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2005, but there could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2005, it tends to delete all of your Money before uninstalling itself!

Dear IT Support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in the overall performance, particularly in the Flower and Jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 un-installed many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as: Football 5.0, Rugby 4.3 and Cricket 3.0.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs; it simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, to no avail. What can I do?

Signed, Desperate

Dear Desperate:

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.

Try entering the command: C:/I-THOUGHT-YOU-LOVED-ME to download Tears 6.2, which should automatically install Guilt 3.0. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1.

WARNING: Beer 6.1 is a very nasty program that will create Snoring Loudly.

CAUTION: Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law. This is not a supported application and will crash Husband 1.0 .

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally would recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck, IT Support ------------------