85 posts tagged “hahaha”

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Golf - It Tees Me Off...

Mar 18, 2009
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A foursome of guys are waiting to tee off, while another foursome of women is hitting off from the ladies' tees.

The ladies are taking their time. When the final lady is ready to hit off, she hacks the ball about ten feet. She goes over to it, lines it up, takes an almighty swing and misses it completely. Then she hacks it another ten feet and finally hacks it another five feet, quietly cursing under her breath.

She glances up at the patiently waiting men and snarls, "I guess all those f******g lessons I took over the winter didn't help one little bit."

One of the men immediately responds, "Well, there you have it; you should have taken golf lessons instead!"

Poor bastard, he never even had a chance to duck!

Well, Wouldn't You?

Mar 1, 2009
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I AM a Grieving Widow

An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night.

The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced black magic because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood. The old man liked the fact that he was feared.

To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 68. His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.

Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life?"

The wife put down her drink and said, "Let the old bastard dig. I had him buried upside down......."

I <3 Abstruse Goose

Feb 18, 2009
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Lie of Omission - Part One

Lie of Omission - Part Two

If you cannot embiggen them
Part One
Part Two

Abtruse Goose Home Page - well worth a look read.

A Joke is For Ever, Not Just for Christmas

Dec 24, 2008
2 comments

A man was in bed with his new girlfriend. After having had great sex, she spent the next hour just massaging his nuts, something she seemed to love to do.

As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her, "Why do you love doing that?"

"Because," she replied, "since the operation, I really miss mine."

Thanks Wirecutter!

Jock The Painter

Nov 27, 2008
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There was a tradesman, a painter called Jock, who was very interested in making a buck where he could, so he would thin down his paint to make it go a wee bit further. He got away with this for some time, until the Baptist Church decided to do a big restoration job on the roof of one of their biggest churches. Jock put in a bid, and because his price was so
competitive, he got the job.

So he set to, with a right good will, erecting the trestles and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with the turpentine.

Well, Jock was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly done when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, and the sky opened, the rain poured down, washing the thin paint from all over the church and knocking Jock fair off the scaffold to land on the lawn, among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless
paint.

Jock was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got on his knees and cried: "Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?"

And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke: "Repaint! Repaint and thin no more!"

Religion v Humanism

Just so you know, it is NOT Christianity or Judaism or Islamism or - well, whatever the fuck religion you are - that I hate. It is hypocrisy, greed and self-righteousness, that sense of Pride in Belief that I hate.